Breast cancer advice from U.S. Preventive Services Task Force

• Keep a canary between your breasts; should the canary die, contact a physician immediately

• Exercise regularly so that the cancer will give up on you and go after slower, weaker women instead

• Let the girls out for a breather every so often

• Wear shirts that make you and others think positive things about your breasts

• Edit the Wikipedia page for breast cancer and write a sentence about how you'll never get it

• Avoid exposing your breasts in the immediate vicinity of a nuclear power plant

• Consult some weird old Japanese lady and drink whatever nasty crap she advises

• While in the shower, rub your breasts in a circular motion. Yeah, just like that. Maybe use a little soap. Don't forget the nipples. Oh, God, yes, that's it

My interpretation of advice from the brains at The Onion